Since DiploBoy1 didn’t really take too many photos of the Best Field Trip of All Time to Kerala, and he wouldn’t really tell me all about it in more than grunts and two-word statements, I have decided instead to share the transcripts of all the phone calls I received from him during that fabulous week of adventure. Enjoy –

One Hour Post-Dropoff:

Me: Hello?

DB1: Hi, Mommy! We are at the airport. We are ready to go, love you, bye!

Me: (listening to dead line)

Five Hours Later:

Me: Hello?

DB1: Hi, Mommy. The hotel is AWESOME!

Me: Are you eating something?

DB1: French fries.

Me: Did you eat any vegetables today?

DB1: I can’t hear you. Bye, Mommy!

Next Day:

DB1: Hi, Mommy! I got massive sunburn! It HURTS. I can’t believe this happened.

Me: Did you put on sunscreen, baby?

DB1: No, but I had on my baseball hat! I had a hat on!

Me: And does that cover your neck?

DB1: Um, no.

Two Days Later:

DB1: Mommy! The teachers are so unfair! There was a spider, and we all went down to

[unintelligible]’s room to look and I was trying to kill it and it was HUGE and

everyone was screaming but me and the teachers got mad and wouldn’t listen to

us telling them what was going on and I had to go work in Hell’s Kitchen and

they made me wash dishes and, and –

Me: So you were out of bed and roaming around when you weren’t supposed to be and

you got punished?

DB1: Kinda, yeah. But –

Me: Good. (Click. Hangs up phone, gets Mom Points deducted.)

Next Day:

DB1: Hi, Mommy. Am I allowed to watch The Simpsons?

Me: Yes. Thank you so much for calling to ask, honey.

DB1: Bye, thank you, Mommy!

This phone call needs to be understood in the context that once DB1 gets home and a few days pass he informed me that he watched Street Fighter which DB informed me was “like Mortal Kombat, but not as violent”, and The Conjuring , which, according to Wikipedia, is considered one of the scariest films since The Exorcist. So, even though I sent him a text right after the call telling him how much I appreciated him asking and following house rules regarding media approval, it pretty much was a one-off and the message hadn’t sunk in as well as I’d thought. Gah.

Next Day:

DB1: Hi, Mommy! We are at the campsite. It’s cool! I’m going to go see if there are

any snakes!

Me: Uh — (silence on line as DB1 has hung up)

Final Day:

DB1: Hi, Mommy, our hotel here is AWESOME!

Me: How was your day today? Do anything cool?

DB1: Yeah. Well, bye Mommy! See you tomorrow!

Pickup Day:

DB1: Hi, Mommy! Do you know what time to pick us up? We are at the airport now.

Me: Yes, honey. 6 p.m. at the school.

DB1: Yes, bye, Mommy! Love you, Mommy!

DB1: Hi, Mommy! We are almost there! Love you, bye, Mommy!

And that sign-off, my friends, is the best message you can ever receive, especially when it’s only ten minutes before you see your dirty, smelly, tired, boy for the first time in eight days.