Dear Santa,

I’ve been a pretty good girl this year. Yes, I yelled at the DiploBoys. Yes, I was kinda bitchy to DiploDad upon occasion. And, um, yes, I swear some . . . sorry – but I’ll make a New Year’s resolution to work on that if you pony up some of the stuff I’m asking for this year. Oh shit, did I just threaten Santa Claus? (Dammit, more of that swearing.) Maybe I’d better just cut to the chase.

On the naughty side, I totally ignored the DiploKids upon occasion and locked myself in the bathroom to read. I bought a $12 basket of blackberries at the Food Hall in Palladium and ate them all myself. There was that bill at Anokhi that was a tad more than I told DiploDad. I think I’ll stop there, because if you really do know, you’ll add it all up in the end yourself. Or make the elves do that. They’re kind of like your domestic helpers, right? Like V and L? OK, moving on . . . .

On the nice side, I moved two kids, a dog, and a husband who likes to sleep more than life itself across the ocean and endured a 15-hour plane ride. I’m sure you remember who slept the entire time and who sat in the middle of two fighting kids and negotiated who got to play with the last DS when the other one conked out early. I also organized cookies for the teachers on Valentine’s Day; a Leprechaun trap for St. Patrick’s, everything the Easter Bunny took credit for (I should know better than to trust a rabbit – hey, you’re not buds with him, right?), checked 3,245 homework problems, stayed up all night to bake something for the Teacher’s Lunch when someone neglected to give me earlier notice, and attended no fewer than 13 very painful teacher conferences. I also didn’t have that one more G&T and cause a diplomatic incident, and sometimes those events can be really, really dry so I should get double credit for that.

I really think the scales tip in my favor.

Here’s my list, Santa:

  1. A large can of spray snow. No snow in India, and I know that it’s a bit much to ask for the real stuff, so a can of that made-in-China-probably-toxic crap will have to do. I want to spray it on my sliding windows. I promise that DiploDad will clean it up, and not my very put-upon helpers, V and L. Trust me, I’ve got the big sad eyes/flirtatious vixen/damsel in distress look down. He’ll do it. Please overlook the fact that this request will involve behavior that solidly falls into the “naughty” category.
  2. A helicopter attachment for the car. The traffic in Mumbai is horrid, and since you definitely know how to fly above it and avoid it, I’m sure that you can outfit our little Honda station wagon with something appropriate. Think of it as a two-for-one: Not only will I be thrilled, our driver, D, will be ecstatic to be able to get two fighting kids home in record time.
  3. Do you have some kind of spray that you can put on food, any kind of food, to make it taste like mac & cheese or pancakes, or candy no matter what it is? If so, I’d like a case. DiploBoy2 (aka, the Child Who Eats Air) is probably rounding up on a diagnosis of scurvy, and I’d really be hard-pressed to explain that to the Health Unit.
  4. I think that Security Clearance I put in for in September would be a reasonable request. At least put a good word in for me so I can start earning my keep (or at least pay my Anokhi bill) sometime soon.
  5. Do you have a Tween Adjustment Ray? DiploBoy1 really, really is getting mouthy. I have no clue where he gets this from; probably his father. Anyway, if he asks me “Why should I?” one more time I will lose my MIND. I understand that these things are probably in high demand; I’ll settle for a 3-6 month lease with an option to renew.
  6. While I’m asking for mind-manipulating equipment, can you do something to fix the Christmas requests three weeks out or so? I am desperately trying to keep the DiploBoys focused on what they wanted three weeks ago, because there is no way on God’s Green Earth that the pouch will deliver something they asked for four days ago on time. Have mercy, Santa, and just blast every single Consulate kid. It would make a very Merry Christmas for everyone at post.

Well, there you have it, Santa. I hope this list is something you can work with. I’ve been a really, really GOOD girl this year (I have witnesses, and you can check with Diplomatic Security too if that floats your sleigh), so please, hook me up.

If you’re running low on any of these, or even all of these items (I am guessing the food taste altering spray could be seriously in demand), I offer this alternative list:

  1. Vodka.  Preferably Grey Goose. You can probably even buy it duty-free if the elves don’t run a still along with all the toy factories. A never ending bottle would be freaking awesome.
  2. Silver. Nothing too fancy – I’m not that glamorous, as DB1 has so painfully informed me.
  3. A bottle of the Widow Cliquot, a box of Neuhaus chocolates, and a box of Lush bath bombs. Throw in a trashy novel and I’ll love you even more. I think you get the picture.

Well, Santa, it’s been great. I’m sure you’re happy to be on the home stretch and looking forward to lying on the beach somewhere with Mrs. Claus on the 26th, drinking out of a coconut. See you on the 24th. My house is the one that skips the milk and goes straight for the 18-year-old scotch, remember? I’m sure you do.